“I love you so, SO much, Phoebe”
Tears wet my burrowed face as I sink deeper into the crevice of my arms. I came to this posture before Jesus, and there the world feels distant for a moment. It’s just Jesus. It’s just me, and as I stop speaking for a moment I hear God continually confess His love for me. He repeats that phrase, and I am so moved... but still stuck.
“I am not excited about discipline, God. But make me excited about You.”
I pray out of frustration. I’ve been lingering in a season of stumped. I know God wants me to make changes, and I acknowledge His reasoning in agreement... and grab another guilty pleasure to end the convo. That’s how this works, right? Unfortunately... but oh so fortunately... nope.
“I want to give you more and more life, sweetheart.”
His persistence almost annoys me, until His grace reminds me how loving this whole thing happens to be. He keeps coming to me in my refusals, and beckons me to just bare my complete self to Him. Not in dictation, but out of a loving heart God asks for surrender. The will is there, and intent is good... but I almost don’t know how to relent. It is that simple. It is not natural to rend your heart over and release control entirely. I fight and I wrestle with this God who sees potential in me. I struggle and I run, and HE KEEPS ON. He keeps on.
I’m undone, and done, and ready.
Jesus wants the all of us, sweetie. The whole enchilada on the plate. The further we walk with Him, the more He asks of us. He trains us to continually sell out to Him, and its hard. And I want to tell you that there are days that I just want to quit; really, there are! But the mercy God offers me and the love He, Himself He has carved out for me is just too deep. I realize when I want to quit, I have often complicated where our gracious God simplifies and works it all out.
So friend, come back to Jesus with me. Grab my hand and let’s keep moving towards whatever the will of God is calling us. It is hard because it’s worth it. It hurts because it is changing us. There is more ahead, and it is going to be good. He has already marked this thing out for us; Let’s go!
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,” - Hebrews 12:1
“But true discipline is a far cry from legalism - thank God! The difference lies in motivation: Legalism is self centered; discipline is God-centered. the legalistic heart says, “I will do this to gain merit with God.” The disciplined heart says,: I will do this because I love God and want to please him.” The true heart of discipline is relationship - a relationship with God.” - Barbara Hughes, Disciplines of a Godly Woman
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