I did not get what I wanted, and I was mad.

I didn't get what I wanted, and I was mad about it.
My request (while specificity is disclosed) was totally logical! It was not a bad request, quite the opposite in my mind! I saw the benefits, had thought about what the outcome would be, and in my stubborn heart decided it would happen.

Since it was good to me, it must be God's will, right?

For the third time at least, I conversed with my husband over the topic. (He is my ever present voice of reason).  His continual disapproval made me feel like he did not understand, and did not care! That bitterness built in me, and I proceeded to let it out in every woman's sincere form of communication, tears (he totally makes fun of me for this now ;)).

"But why not?" I petitioned, "But it's a good idea! But I want it!"

The next day we discussed the subject, with more words than tears (more patience too).  He was right. This idea that I had deemed so good, was not something the Lord had for me right now. It wasn't best for us. It was not going to solve the dilemma. I was still didn't like it, I still wanted something different, but I felt God speaking through my husband as a safety guard to guide me. And the Lord whispered to me alone, too.

My thoughts are not your thoughts, sweet girl. My ways are not your ways (Is.55:8). I have a plan to use what you don't like about this situation to make you more like me. I am cleansing you of an impurity of selfish desire/selfish gain, and I am putting my will and my desire in you! 

The Lord is calling me to faith to trust him in obedience. To trust Him with the things that make me uncomfortable, and know that He is good. A sweet song on my pandora reminded me... I'm a good Father, and I have been doing this for a while now.

Let us come before him with trust in our hearts! With surrendered wills, because I don't understand. And with tears in my eyes right now, I don't like it! But I know that the Lord is up to something good. I have seen Him move, and I know He will again! He sees your situation, and He has not turned a blind eye to you. Walk with Jesus, and know you are not alone. God has a good plan for a hope and a future for us (Jer. 29:11).

"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy spirit, who has been given to us." - Romans 5:3-5

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you." - Psalm 32:8

I did not get what I wanted, and I was mad.

Exodus studies

This one was written for women in my life group- so replace their name with yours! Glad we are in this together. Thanks for reading! I pray the Lord blesses you through it.

As you can tell, I’m reading Exodus :). I love the stories of people first experiencing God. They possessed less information about the Living God, but experienced first hand who He was for themselves. We see such raw reaction in their awe, stubbornness, and repeated repentance. So many behaviors that I know I can relate to in my relationship with The Lord!

A section stood out to me today which I wanted to share with you, sweethearts of mine!

During this part of the Israelites journey, the people have been led by God, through Moses, from location to location in the desert. They have grumbled against the Lord, demanding His provision, and they have seen His kindness in response. When they thirst, He made what was bitter bearable. When they hungered, He invented a totally new food (Um, awesome?)! But this morning their leader, Moses, poked out of the pages to me.

 In ch 18 Moses’ father-in-law comes to visit (while the beauty of miracles is overwhelming, I love the normalcy of that). The two visit, dine, and marvel at the work of God. On his extended stay, Jethro is invited to Moses’  weekly routine. Once a week, from sunrise to sunset “Moses took his seat to serve as judge for the people ” (v13). Moses had direct connection with the Great I AM! What a responsibility he held for those around him. What joy, and what pressure I could imagine. “Whenever they have a dispute, it is brought to me, and I decide between the parties and inform them of God’s decrees and instructions,” Moses explained to Jethro (v16). (OMG!)

Jethro spoke the way only a family member can when he informed Moses, “What you are doing is not good. ....The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone” (partial verses 17-18)

So Jethro advised Him to share the burden with those who were deemed as God-fearing, trustworthy men around him. A lesson in itself is that Moses accepted the advice of his father in law ;). But what I hear in my heart when I read this, is that we can’t do it alone my sweets. God does not intend for us to! Oh how we can bare the burden of each other and lift these requests up to the Lord shoulder-to-shoulder. I am so thankful the Lord has given me YOU, Jessie, and YOU Michelle, and You Dana, Ashley, Annie, ALL OF YOU to walk along side me, encourage me, and spur me on towards Jesus. But some days, I need a hug, some days, you do too. And we are here for that. God has provided it for us!

“If you do this and God so commands, you will be able to stand the strain, and all these people will go home satisfied” (v23).

I love you girls so much, let’s always go home satisfied with the Lord!

Also... “Then Moses sent his father-in-law on his way, and Jethro returned to his own country” (v27). There is a time for everything, right? Lol ;).

Exodus studies

Seeking beauty

As I was wooed by my Father this morning, I felt Him showing me the beauty He has created in me. Vanity was not on the menu, rather a beauty that is pure and refreshing. I kept seeing my hands and seeing the details and delicate parts of my fingers. The depths of design that are held within the smallest parts of us are made by Him, and He cares for each. This morning my heart melts in awareness that beauty is something to bring Him glory. If you live in my town, you have probably seen the acres of sunflowers planted by the interstate. I have seen so many posts about them, pictures with them, and can hardly keep my eyes on the road as I drive by them! We are drawn to beauty, and it isn’t shallow or negative. Beauty is given by God, for glory to God. It reminds us of His love for us! From the tips of our toes (yes, yours included!) to the flowers in the field. Beauty is part of who God is. Ask Him to show you the beauty around and in you. He designed it, and will proudly direct you <3

Seeking beauty

I lift up my eyes to the mountains...

It's morning as I type, and the snow is stirring in the clouds this morning. Thank you, God for gifting us with even the gushiest of snow and ice, because You birth it from the heavens (Job 38:29).

I wanted to share a simple statement that carries power to humble us, to change our view of ourselves and our circumstances. When I face an issue, big or small, it is my tendency to envelop myself completely in that cause. I struggle to get out, I struggle to see past blurred brain waves, and I exhaust in confusion.

I wrestle with God, and am thankful that he wrestles along. Allowing me to work out what's in my heart, calling me to not throw in the towel, and loving me wholly along the way. (BTW be encouraged that it's ok to wrestle, friends. It means you're pushing forward, you're giving effort, you're taking heart!) The thing about wrestling is, it cannot last forever. Not because lack of endurance or strength of our Almighty Lord, but because we are weak, we are lacking, we exhaust. That is the most beautiful part, the exhaustion, because it is there we see who has been sustaining us all along.

Last night my mind felt exhausted. As I opened up the bible to finish the so very calming, bed-time tragedies of Job.... I strangely found what it was I sought. After reading through Job's wrestling to hold on to God throughout one loss to the next attack, "the Lord spoke to Job out of the Storm" (Job 38:1), and beckoned him to remember who He Is.

 "Who shut up the sea behind doors when it burst forth from the womb, when I made the clouds its garment and wrapped  it in thick darkness, when I fixed limits for it and set its doors and bars in place, when I said, "This far you may come and no farther; here is where your proud waves halt'?"
 - Job 38:8-11
                                   
The Lord's message continues for a couple chapters as God points to his strength and wisdom
throughout creation. His care and concern is even for the bear with its cubs (38:32). God called Job to lift his eyes out of what he was facing, and to God's magnificence, what was "too wonderful for me to know" (42:3).

It's strangely sweet how God works on our behalf, hemming our steps behind and before, and speaking across time and space as to let us know He was here and there before we had even breath to breathe. A sweet friend gave me Psalm 121 printed on paper and stuck with pretty washi tape as encouragement recently. I stuck that sucker on my dash, and have been reading it over and over throughout the past couple weeks....

"I lift up my eyes to the mountains-- where does my help come from? My Help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth...." When my original idea for a painting at my church was already in progress by another artist.. this message came to mind. For 7 hours I painted these words, and God pressed them in my heart last night. "Lift your eyes to Me," He calls us, loves.

Job's response was humility. He heard God's words, and excalimed "My ears have heard you but now my eyes have seen you" (42:5). He repented for speaking when he did not understand, and God blessed him. You see, I am trying to wrap my stubborn brain around the fact that I do not have to understand the inter-workings of it all... in fact, I cannot! Whether you're facing tragedy, attack, depression, ANYTHING... we cannot solve the equation, sweet ones. Only God can do that, and did! Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. He paid all we owe, he "figured" it all out on the cross, and we are called to lift our eyes, open our hearts, repent, and trust.

So let's start with the lifting, especially while we have some snow at which we can gaze <3

I lift up my eyes to the mountains...

If Phoebe wrote hymnals

Oh my long awaited Jesus

What grace that livens this sore soul

Morning glimpses of you carry

Me from fears and pains of old

Precious mercy, undeserving 

my soul will ever sing your praise

Through each suffering, you're refining

molding beauty from old clay 

Each new journey brings new glory

Each rough patch still prunes my praise

How could a canvas with out folly

Show your craftsmanship displayed

If Phoebe wrote hymnals

A peek into my journal

I was reading through my old journal from the past year, and I came across several entries that I wanted to share. I hope you find encouragement, and pray the holy spirit touches your soul with warmth, reminding you of the closeness and intimacy He shares with you! Rest in it, soak in it, and live out of it. Enjoy!

January 12, 2014
Tell me what tears your heart,
Speak what fills your mind,
What clenches your jaw,
Antagonizes your life?
Pour out your heart before me,
Let me be your closest friend,
One that lends an ear,
And stills your heart from within,
Nothing you say can move Me,
I am constant, and do not shift,
As you pour out your worry, your burden I will lift,
My arms open for you, daughter,
Rest your cheeks into my palms,
For you my face smiles,
For you, my heart longs

March 21,2014
Getting up with the sun,
Allowing what was to be undone,
Slipping on simplicity,
Holding fast to what you whisper to me,
The strongest, softest color sweeping over all I owe,
Knowing more, and being known,
The Glory of the morning

May 15, 2014
Open palms are my worship,
Open palms are my weakness,
Open palms lead to life,
An emptied fullness

July 28, 2014 with recent edit
I was her,
She was me,
Hidden, cloaked with daylight that no one might see,
From the arms of one, to the grip of another,
Though I tried to hide, my shame refused to be covered,
But this hand, reached my heart through the thickness of thwart,
This Life water I drank refused to remain in the dark,
These sin stained chains, they break, and I am bondage free by sweet Grace,
Daylight uncovered me, all, come and see,
I am not condemned, but awake

Thanks for reading :)

A peek into my journal

Oh Come, Let Us Adore Him

The words of this Christmas song have been so thoughtfully woven with a twist by the lovely Kari Jobe. They so tangibly reached out to my need yesterday afternoon, preparing my stubborn heart for Christmas and paving the dry, cracked roads to worshiping. These lyrics became so precious after her revised intro, and I felt the tenderness as I joined, "Oh come, let us adore Him." I hope you join me, darlings.

You see, my heart grows tired of want. Longing for a perfection that will not come until heaven, discomfort had found me in my Ford Escape, driving to Target in the normalcy of yesterday morning. As I spoke my heart to the Lord, but mostly to myself (yes, I do that),  of wants and waiting, of tired and trouble (hardly), Jesus met me with a softening reminder. One the season lends, one that offered much relatability (yes, made up word).

"Countless days on a journey that led so far, endless nights they traveled to follow the star"

This first lyric drew my attention in. This feels endless, this feels far, I thought as I turned up the volume with intent. I imagine the wise men and shepherds thought the same thing as they traveled as the song states. Without a clue where they were going, and quite possibly with several nicks and stumbles along the way. I imagine that the 400 years prior of silence from God felt vastly larger, vastly longer, and deeply confusing. I am sure now, that I do not always get it, understand, that I have no clue where I am heading, and that I have definitely doubted along this path.

But I am even more sure that the birth of a baby changed every inkling inch.

The past, at the time - present, and reaching me all the way here in the future. This baby thing, this baby boy, this Jesus King, he changes us, loves. He exceeds time, and space, and wonder, and is everything we hoped for but nothing we expected. He is. HE is.

"They did not find a palace, just a humble village home, and searching for a king, but finding a child, no crown. no throne."

And as I recall times in my life, I am so thankful that Jesus was not what I expected. I am so incredibly, insanely ecstatic that his thoughts are not my thoughts, and his ways are not my ways.

"Still they bowed down....

Come let us adore Him."

Oh Come, Let Us Adore Him